I HAVEN'T LEFT THE SCENE

With a flurry of activities going on in my life, the last thing I have thought of doing over the past weeks is blogging.

I actually come to my page, sign in, imagine my fingers going over my keyboard with the latest on my boringly chaotic life; then as suddenly as the desire to blog came over me in the first place,a mental exhaustion equally suddenly takes over; my fingers curl in rebellion; I sit and stare at an empty post filled with all my thoughts; I quietly sign out and instead face my work.

My sister's wedding plans are getting stronger by the day; she's got her wedding dress already; it's ivory and really lovely; she's always had a better dress sense and naturally more beautiful.

I notice she hesitates to ask me for help but that must be because of my initial response-I was quiet for days.

I have settled in my heart that I am happy for her and I truly am. I intend to take care of her wedding cake even though she doesn't know yet.

My plans are three layers of different heavenly flavours: chocolate first, vanilla next and butter scotch last. Then, they'd be loads and loads of cupcakes each with a heart on it!

I have been to the baker's...turns out he is one gorgeous guy. I tried not to window shop for a man that day but couldn't help noticing he wasn't wearing a ring.

Does that even mean anything these days?

THERE'S A RING IN MY RIVER

I know my posts have been mostly about me.

But there comes a time when you have to blog about your little sister.

Especially when she is 3 years younger than you are and she's getting married.

My mother gave me the news on Saturday.

It was all I could do to keep my smile long and real enough until my face hit my pillow and I let the tears fall.

I knew she was in a relationship...I just never knew how serious.

I know her boyfriend...I just never knew he'd be a husband.

Now he has a new title "fiance"; he earned it by the ring on my sister's finger.

The me that doesn't care about my singleness is happy for her.

The me that does care has cried a river already...

ALMOST CAUGHT A FISH...

So, I was at church on Sunday manning my Sunday School registration desk.It was a hot day and we (fellow church workers and I)all needed cold drinks for our thirsty souls.

I volunteered to go purchase the drinks and after collecting the monies, got into my "AC -less" Honda (don't let me tell you the model!)and headed for the store.

Everything happened as it ought to: got the drinks, made sure they were cold, paid the mallam, got into my ride and back to church it was.

And then the action began:

I got out of my car and carefully balanced the polyethene bag of drinks on one arm while I tried locking the door with my free hand. But that didn't work out...

The polyethene bag gave way and my can drinks came tumbling down everywhere! At my feet, under my car, across the road...

Quickly, I started going after them and managed to pick up as many as I could. I watched helplessly while the rest tumbled happily across the road...

That is until this stud of a guy who was headed for his car turned back on seeing my despair and went after them. Like a prince in shinning armour, he brought back the "two flowers", oops, "can drinks" to me and made to kiss me...no! he simply handed them over to me and said "take it easy girl" though I'm certain it must have been "you're a pretty girl, girl!"

I willed him to look deep in my eyes and see what a wonderful mate I would make, that is until I heard that little boy shout, "Mommy, see daddy there!"

He turned, waved at them and made to meet them-his pretty wife, his cute son and the other lady who was most def the nanny.

I rolled my eyes.

I should change my department to ushering...

God, please keep me from lying to myself!

NO TITLE

My aunt was extremely upset when her pastor friend told her how our date went. So she called me to make me see reason:

"You don't know anything Adie! That man is a great man; do you know how many times he has predicted future events in my life and they happened?! He is holy...yada yada yada"

Then she launched into

"At your age you should not be choosy! you think he is too old, do you think you're a child? At your age your mom already had two kids; you, you just want to sit down and fold your hands and do nothing! Love ke? Do you think I loved my husband before I married him? Ehen?! It grew as we got to know each other before he became a tool for the devil!"

Oh boy! Poor Uncle Smart.

She went on and on and when she was done, I thanked her for the advice but that ticked her off too :

"You're such a rude child! Very rude! You cannot apologize for your behaviour ehen!"

Mschew...

My mom thought the whole ordeal funny and simply laughed over it. She is equally used to my aunt's eccentricities.

Anyway, it's Monday and I am still single.

A friend of mine is trying to hook me up with this dude. She gave him my number last week and up until now he is yet to call me. So I guess that's another voice mail arrangement.

I am going to try something different; maybe cut my hair or dye it. Not sure yet.

I watched the movie Notebook yesterday.

I want to be kissed.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE IT ALL?

The chocolate coloured man with the British accent turns out to be Mr. Barry Otedola and he is currently lodged at the Hilton. He’d be in Abuja for a month after which he would return to the UK. He is 39 and single but has a daughter whom he adores. She is 5 years old and her mother is Ghananian. He plays the piano and loves golf.

So how did I gain all this info? Did we have dinner? (No, I was with that Pastor on Saturday remember?) Did he get my BB pin? Did we spend a nice Sunday together?

No, no, no!

He did all that with Chioma, my colleague at work.

From what she told us (me and others), she had a very agreeable weekend with him.

This morning, he even called her while we were having breakfast at the canteen and she put the conversation on loud speaker as she thought I’d be mega interested in listening to his smooth barritone flirt with her over the phone. I guess I would have been interested if I was in a relationship of my own but right about now, it sounds like the devil brushing his teeth.

 It’s just not fair!

Every guy that remotely sniffs Chioma likes her! Meanwhile I’m like a gnat beside her huge Kim Kadashian hips!

I mean, I went round fixing the projector for his meeting with my boss last week and he didn’t as much as blink my way! But somehow he has had dinner with her! And she’s not lying cos her BB is filled with pics of them at some fancy restaurant in town.

God, this is not fair!

But Chioma is by far prettier than you are Adie; even a blind man would sense that.  She’s confident, outgoing, great style... You on the other hand…

No! I am beautiful too!

Chioma is in it only for the money! She’s just a hoochie!

And how do you know that? It is not for you to go about judging people just cos they have what you want…

Oh, just leave me alone silly conscience!

All I know is I really HATE Chioma right now and I think Mr. Barry Otedola is a huge player and most def not my type!

I would love to tell her what I think about her; instead I sit at the table listening to the conversation on loud speaker and laughing with Chioma like she is my best friend.

REV MRS ADIE...

My date didn’t go well.

It turns out my date was a 43 year old man who had been a pastor of a community church in Somalia!

I couldn’t believe my aunt would do this to me! (Actually I could)

He went on to tell me my aunt had told him I was 30 going on 31 and so he was certain the age difference wouldn’t be such an issue for me.

I was just recovering from that when he added that my aunt had also told him I was a very active member of my church and was committed to the work of God.

He asked me what exactly I did at church and I said I was with the Children Administration Dept and he shouted Hallelujah outloud in the restaurant and said he thought I’d make a very good mother. At this point, I began running a temperature. I wanted to leave immediately.

He went straight to the point by telling me he was looking for a wife and was certain I was the kind of woman he could settle with. He added that he wasn’t comfortable with my wearing jean trousers but that was something we could work on…

What?!

“Speechless” was the soundtrack that came to mind.

He added that he was relocating to Sudan soon as he felt a calling to these regions and he’d very much love to go with his wife.

I choked on my drink and he thought I looked ill.

I agreed I wasn’t feeling very well and I thought I should go home.

He thought I should stay and eat as sickness was not my portion. He suddenly reached for my hand, squeezed it and muttered a prayer.

Instantly I had visions of me in Sudan; I’m sitting up front while my thin husband with his bespectacled face is preaching. I’m no longer wearing bohemian blouses and skinny jeans. Instead, I’m clad in this free flowing flowered gown. Service ends and people gather around me to see me. They’re all calling me mummy and I’m reaching out to them and blessing them. I announce that the women fellowship would meet at 6:00pm then join my husband in his office…

Vision over, I suddenly got up and announced I really had to leave. He said he would take me home but I said I had come with my car. He said he’d call me to make sure I got home safe. I said thanks.

He walked me to my car and I said thanks. He said bye and I said bye.

I stopped by the nearest MTN outlet and bought a new sim.

I love God but I’m not sure about being a pastor’s wife and certainly NOT that pastor’s wife!

SO I FINALLY HAVE A DATE...

My mother’s sister called me yesterday.

She’s not one of my favourite people in the world.

She’s as obnoxious as the size of her breasts! She’s constantly comparing me with her married daughters (and of course, I always fall short) and she’s always discussing my singleness with my mother.

In her view, I’m possibly the only unmarried 29 year old species on earth and that kind of makes me her pet project.

And I wonder what gives her the right to champion this course seeing that she isn’t even with her husband anymore. The story goes that she tried suffocating him with her chest one night and that he truly almost died…I was 12 at the time so the story did hold water. I do not care to know the truth.

So she calls me and tells me she has arranged for me to meet this man who has just returned from his 5 year hiatus in Somalia. I find this strange because I do not know of many Nigerians in Somalia. I do not know any.

I try telling her I am not interested in this rendezvous in the most courteous of manners I can manage; but she launchs into a dirge on how ungrateful a child I am; how she’s been trying to help me for ages now even though she ordinarily should have no business doing this; on how no woman in our clan has ever been unmarried at my age …and to bring the drama to an end, she bursts into tears.

And her fountain works because somehow I agree to meet this man she believes would make a good husband for me.

She ends the discussion by reminding me that it isn’t always about love; marry now, love later…

So, come Saturday evening at 5:00pm, I would be headed to a restaurant at Wuse 2 to meet my aunty’s choice.

But like Jane Austen, I do not believe I could marry without affection despite my desperation.

I need to get back to work now. Chioma, my overly sanguine colleague is headed my way…her ability to not talk matches an ant’s ability to resist sugar.

Wish me luck on my date.

Have a great weekend ahead!