THERE'S A RING IN MY RIVER

I know my posts have been mostly about me.

But there comes a time when you have to blog about your little sister.

Especially when she is 3 years younger than you are and she's getting married.

My mother gave me the news on Saturday.

It was all I could do to keep my smile long and real enough until my face hit my pillow and I let the tears fall.

I knew she was in a relationship...I just never knew how serious.

I know her boyfriend...I just never knew he'd be a husband.

Now he has a new title "fiance"; he earned it by the ring on my sister's finger.

The me that doesn't care about my singleness is happy for her.

The me that does care has cried a river already...

ALMOST CAUGHT A FISH...

So, I was at church on Sunday manning my Sunday School registration desk.It was a hot day and we (fellow church workers and I)all needed cold drinks for our thirsty souls.

I volunteered to go purchase the drinks and after collecting the monies, got into my "AC -less" Honda (don't let me tell you the model!)and headed for the store.

Everything happened as it ought to: got the drinks, made sure they were cold, paid the mallam, got into my ride and back to church it was.

And then the action began:

I got out of my car and carefully balanced the polyethene bag of drinks on one arm while I tried locking the door with my free hand. But that didn't work out...

The polyethene bag gave way and my can drinks came tumbling down everywhere! At my feet, under my car, across the road...

Quickly, I started going after them and managed to pick up as many as I could. I watched helplessly while the rest tumbled happily across the road...

That is until this stud of a guy who was headed for his car turned back on seeing my despair and went after them. Like a prince in shinning armour, he brought back the "two flowers", oops, "can drinks" to me and made to kiss me...no! he simply handed them over to me and said "take it easy girl" though I'm certain it must have been "you're a pretty girl, girl!"

I willed him to look deep in my eyes and see what a wonderful mate I would make, that is until I heard that little boy shout, "Mommy, see daddy there!"

He turned, waved at them and made to meet them-his pretty wife, his cute son and the other lady who was most def the nanny.

I rolled my eyes.

I should change my department to ushering...

God, please keep me from lying to myself!

WHY DOES SHE HAVE IT ALL?

The chocolate coloured man with the British accent turns out to be Mr. Barry Otedola and he is currently lodged at the Hilton. He’d be in Abuja for a month after which he would return to the UK. He is 39 and single but has a daughter whom he adores. She is 5 years old and her mother is Ghananian. He plays the piano and loves golf.

So how did I gain all this info? Did we have dinner? (No, I was with that Pastor on Saturday remember?) Did he get my BB pin? Did we spend a nice Sunday together?

No, no, no!

He did all that with Chioma, my colleague at work.

From what she told us (me and others), she had a very agreeable weekend with him.

This morning, he even called her while we were having breakfast at the canteen and she put the conversation on loud speaker as she thought I’d be mega interested in listening to his smooth barritone flirt with her over the phone. I guess I would have been interested if I was in a relationship of my own but right about now, it sounds like the devil brushing his teeth.

 It’s just not fair!

Every guy that remotely sniffs Chioma likes her! Meanwhile I’m like a gnat beside her huge Kim Kadashian hips!

I mean, I went round fixing the projector for his meeting with my boss last week and he didn’t as much as blink my way! But somehow he has had dinner with her! And she’s not lying cos her BB is filled with pics of them at some fancy restaurant in town.

God, this is not fair!

But Chioma is by far prettier than you are Adie; even a blind man would sense that.  She’s confident, outgoing, great style... You on the other hand…

No! I am beautiful too!

Chioma is in it only for the money! She’s just a hoochie!

And how do you know that? It is not for you to go about judging people just cos they have what you want…

Oh, just leave me alone silly conscience!

All I know is I really HATE Chioma right now and I think Mr. Barry Otedola is a huge player and most def not my type!

I would love to tell her what I think about her; instead I sit at the table listening to the conversation on loud speaker and laughing with Chioma like she is my best friend.

SO I FINALLY HAVE A DATE...

My mother’s sister called me yesterday.

She’s not one of my favourite people in the world.

She’s as obnoxious as the size of her breasts! She’s constantly comparing me with her married daughters (and of course, I always fall short) and she’s always discussing my singleness with my mother.

In her view, I’m possibly the only unmarried 29 year old species on earth and that kind of makes me her pet project.

And I wonder what gives her the right to champion this course seeing that she isn’t even with her husband anymore. The story goes that she tried suffocating him with her chest one night and that he truly almost died…I was 12 at the time so the story did hold water. I do not care to know the truth.

So she calls me and tells me she has arranged for me to meet this man who has just returned from his 5 year hiatus in Somalia. I find this strange because I do not know of many Nigerians in Somalia. I do not know any.

I try telling her I am not interested in this rendezvous in the most courteous of manners I can manage; but she launchs into a dirge on how ungrateful a child I am; how she’s been trying to help me for ages now even though she ordinarily should have no business doing this; on how no woman in our clan has ever been unmarried at my age …and to bring the drama to an end, she bursts into tears.

And her fountain works because somehow I agree to meet this man she believes would make a good husband for me.

She ends the discussion by reminding me that it isn’t always about love; marry now, love later…

So, come Saturday evening at 5:00pm, I would be headed to a restaurant at Wuse 2 to meet my aunty’s choice.

But like Jane Austen, I do not believe I could marry without affection despite my desperation.

I need to get back to work now. Chioma, my overly sanguine colleague is headed my way…her ability to not talk matches an ant’s ability to resist sugar.

Wish me luck on my date.

Have a great weekend ahead!