WHY DOES SHE HAVE IT ALL?

The chocolate coloured man with the British accent turns out to be Mr. Barry Otedola and he is currently lodged at the Hilton. He’d be in Abuja for a month after which he would return to the UK. He is 39 and single but has a daughter whom he adores. She is 5 years old and her mother is Ghananian. He plays the piano and loves golf.

So how did I gain all this info? Did we have dinner? (No, I was with that Pastor on Saturday remember?) Did he get my BB pin? Did we spend a nice Sunday together?

No, no, no!

He did all that with Chioma, my colleague at work.

From what she told us (me and others), she had a very agreeable weekend with him.

This morning, he even called her while we were having breakfast at the canteen and she put the conversation on loud speaker as she thought I’d be mega interested in listening to his smooth barritone flirt with her over the phone. I guess I would have been interested if I was in a relationship of my own but right about now, it sounds like the devil brushing his teeth.

 It’s just not fair!

Every guy that remotely sniffs Chioma likes her! Meanwhile I’m like a gnat beside her huge Kim Kadashian hips!

I mean, I went round fixing the projector for his meeting with my boss last week and he didn’t as much as blink my way! But somehow he has had dinner with her! And she’s not lying cos her BB is filled with pics of them at some fancy restaurant in town.

God, this is not fair!

But Chioma is by far prettier than you are Adie; even a blind man would sense that.  She’s confident, outgoing, great style... You on the other hand…

No! I am beautiful too!

Chioma is in it only for the money! She’s just a hoochie!

And how do you know that? It is not for you to go about judging people just cos they have what you want…

Oh, just leave me alone silly conscience!

All I know is I really HATE Chioma right now and I think Mr. Barry Otedola is a huge player and most def not my type!

I would love to tell her what I think about her; instead I sit at the table listening to the conversation on loud speaker and laughing with Chioma like she is my best friend.

REV MRS ADIE...

My date didn’t go well.

It turns out my date was a 43 year old man who had been a pastor of a community church in Somalia!

I couldn’t believe my aunt would do this to me! (Actually I could)

He went on to tell me my aunt had told him I was 30 going on 31 and so he was certain the age difference wouldn’t be such an issue for me.

I was just recovering from that when he added that my aunt had also told him I was a very active member of my church and was committed to the work of God.

He asked me what exactly I did at church and I said I was with the Children Administration Dept and he shouted Hallelujah outloud in the restaurant and said he thought I’d make a very good mother. At this point, I began running a temperature. I wanted to leave immediately.

He went straight to the point by telling me he was looking for a wife and was certain I was the kind of woman he could settle with. He added that he wasn’t comfortable with my wearing jean trousers but that was something we could work on…

What?!

“Speechless” was the soundtrack that came to mind.

He added that he was relocating to Sudan soon as he felt a calling to these regions and he’d very much love to go with his wife.

I choked on my drink and he thought I looked ill.

I agreed I wasn’t feeling very well and I thought I should go home.

He thought I should stay and eat as sickness was not my portion. He suddenly reached for my hand, squeezed it and muttered a prayer.

Instantly I had visions of me in Sudan; I’m sitting up front while my thin husband with his bespectacled face is preaching. I’m no longer wearing bohemian blouses and skinny jeans. Instead, I’m clad in this free flowing flowered gown. Service ends and people gather around me to see me. They’re all calling me mummy and I’m reaching out to them and blessing them. I announce that the women fellowship would meet at 6:00pm then join my husband in his office…

Vision over, I suddenly got up and announced I really had to leave. He said he would take me home but I said I had come with my car. He said he’d call me to make sure I got home safe. I said thanks.

He walked me to my car and I said thanks. He said bye and I said bye.

I stopped by the nearest MTN outlet and bought a new sim.

I love God but I’m not sure about being a pastor’s wife and certainly NOT that pastor’s wife!

SO I FINALLY HAVE A DATE...

My mother’s sister called me yesterday.

She’s not one of my favourite people in the world.

She’s as obnoxious as the size of her breasts! She’s constantly comparing me with her married daughters (and of course, I always fall short) and she’s always discussing my singleness with my mother.

In her view, I’m possibly the only unmarried 29 year old species on earth and that kind of makes me her pet project.

And I wonder what gives her the right to champion this course seeing that she isn’t even with her husband anymore. The story goes that she tried suffocating him with her chest one night and that he truly almost died…I was 12 at the time so the story did hold water. I do not care to know the truth.

So she calls me and tells me she has arranged for me to meet this man who has just returned from his 5 year hiatus in Somalia. I find this strange because I do not know of many Nigerians in Somalia. I do not know any.

I try telling her I am not interested in this rendezvous in the most courteous of manners I can manage; but she launchs into a dirge on how ungrateful a child I am; how she’s been trying to help me for ages now even though she ordinarily should have no business doing this; on how no woman in our clan has ever been unmarried at my age …and to bring the drama to an end, she bursts into tears.

And her fountain works because somehow I agree to meet this man she believes would make a good husband for me.

She ends the discussion by reminding me that it isn’t always about love; marry now, love later…

So, come Saturday evening at 5:00pm, I would be headed to a restaurant at Wuse 2 to meet my aunty’s choice.

But like Jane Austen, I do not believe I could marry without affection despite my desperation.

I need to get back to work now. Chioma, my overly sanguine colleague is headed my way…her ability to not talk matches an ant’s ability to resist sugar.

Wish me luck on my date.

Have a great weekend ahead!

TONIGHT I WILL BE BLANK

I had another hectic day at work today.

My boss’ moods swing like a pendulum hung on the equator!

Somedays she’s in such a good mood you’d think she had finally found the cure to the eczema that plagues her face right out of the book of Exodus; and then the next day, she’d hit an all time low and you’d suddenly see little eczema spots peeking at you from beneath layers of MAC foundation.

Today her pendulum swung south and as such presented me with a terrible day.

I’m just going to go home, have my bathe and sleep…

Oh no! I have swimming lessons this evening but I really don’t think I can make it. Plus my swim instructor’s pits are so bushy they look like sea weeds in water.

Instead I am going to go home, try reading this book I borrowed from the library and then just sleep.

I WILL myself not to think about men today!

I WILL Not meditate on men today! Not in English, not in French, not in mental notes…

I will not dream about men today.

I absolutely refuse to!

No! Not even about the chocolate man with the British accent…

WHAT DO GUYS WANT?! SERIOUSLY...

So at work yesterday, I looked totally smashing in my coffee coloured stylishly cut suit…that is, until the zip on my skirt gave way!

I think what was most annoying is the fact that I’m not certain how long I walked about the office with my pink panties sticking out my behind. I got to know about it when my boss sent me a BB about the state of things.

Thank God my boss is a woman! But what about the chocolate coloured man with the British accent that came around for a meeting with his team? Did I go about hooking up the projector for the meeting with my fly down? And to think I am so flat behind!

Oh God!

 Hopefully I’d never get to see him again so that should save me some embarrassment.

And if I do, well, I’m probably insignificant to him; probably not his type anyway…

Still he was gorgeous! His height, his rippling biceps showing through his suit, his complexion, his curly hair, his eyes behind his glasses…my goodness!

I started dreaming…

 I looked hard at his fingers and couldn’t find any ring. Not that married men are in the habit of wearing rings these days.

I tried subtly hard to get him to look at me but if he did then his eyes have a rare talent of looking without even looking.

I think I’m running crazy with this man hunt thing...

Aren’t I good enough for any man?

Didn’t Kemi Adewuyi hook an American last year? And most would think of me as more beautiful than she! (Kemi has this nose that is so large any ant on it would think it was Mount Everest)

Oh, get over the envy gurl!

But seriously, what do men want?

I’m beautiful, averagely intelligent, can discuss football, God fearing, great sense of humour, can pound yam…

Why can’t they see me?!

PS: Really what do guys want?!!!!

WOMAN AT THE MIRROR

“Je me souhaite une bonne journee aujourd’hui.”

That’s French for “I wish myself a great day today.”

I’m standing at my mirror and repeating the words over and over again.

It’s my kind of er yoga; meditations…I’m looking at myself, willing self to believe…

“I wish myself a great day.”

“Today, I meet my husband.”

No, be more specific.

“Today, I meet a handsome tall man”

Ok, keep your options open…at your age you shouldn’t be so concerned about what he looks like!

But I’m not that old!

Yep, you’re so young; your 22 year old cousin got married last month!

Ok, whatever…

“Today, I meet a handsome, could- be- average- height rich man.”

What? Riches don’t only start and end at money.

He is also rich in ideas, knowledge, intellect…

“Je me souhaite une bonne journee aujourd’hui.”

I still can’t pronounce the words right but French is such a beautiful language I’d try anyhow.

Meditating in French kinda makes the whole “speak to yourself thing” more exciting.

And I think my french teacher is cute. He has a slight pot belly but his dimpled smile is amazing.

 And I kinda thought I caught him starring at me yesterday.

No dimiss that FAST! In my state, I’d swear even a lizard was starring at me…

Besides, Monsieur Jacque is not Christian. He is atheist…I want a Christian man!

“So today, I meet a handsome, rich, tall Christian man who would fall in love with me and take me home to momma…”

“Today, I’d dress gorgeously to work.”

For me, for him…mostly for him though…I’d dress gorgeously to work.

Afterall God helps those who do their part!

Going on 30 and still Boringly single (Sigh!)

1.       Get into the university at 16

2.        Graduate with a 2.1

3.        Be done with NYSC by 22

4.        get a great paying job immediately

5.        Get married at 25…

My to -do list is actually much longer than this; and I would love to go on and on, except that I’m stuck at number 4-not that I even got a great paying job  neither was it immediate.  Strike actions slowed me down on number 3 so I was done at 24 instead; number 4 didn’t happen until a year and 9 months later-long enough for an elephant to be delivered of a premature baby elephant or whatever premature baby elephants are called. Number 2 NEVER happened! (And no my lecturer didn’t hit on me! I just hated the course!)

And number 5?

Well, I turned 29 last year; and guess what? I’m as single as a lone polar bear on the North Pole. Last week my mother arranged a prayer meeting for me. The pastor prayed that the demons of late marriage should die! Die! Die!

I’m thinking they should have had the foresight to start praying when I was 23-that would have been notice enough for the demons wouldn’t it?

Anyway, I’m 29 and single and desperate. I try not to show my desperation though…which is why I signed up as a volunteer at The green hands horticulture society just incase he may be there; I also signed up at a Library, which is weird because I hate reading books but I’m keeping my options open…

I’ve recently started swimming classes at this very popular hotel in town because I may just meet someone under water; maybe I’d save him while he is drowning and we’d fall in love. I also joined a department in Church-I mean, there is nothing like a godly man…I have Chinese every Friday now because he may just be there and I registered for French classes once a week…I may just get myself a white guy…

I must confess I am overwhelmed by all these self imposed activities; add that to my job and what you have left is a stressed out extremely tired woman who must get hooked somehow…(who knows, stress might just make me fall sick and I end up at the hospital and my doctor falls in love with me…)

Still I am hopeful (I think I am. I believe I am; I should be); last week, two of my thirty year old friends got engaged.

That’s late some may say but I console myself with the fact that Jesus started his ministry at 30… (Leave out the fact that He died (humanly speaking that is) at 33; that’s beside the point here).

PS  PS:

Am I searching in the wrong places?